Trust the Process

I believe that the phrase “Trust the process” came about when the “process” proved to be difficult. Someone had to find a way to convince himself or herself that hopefully it would pay off to keep at it. I say hopefully because no one always knows what the results will be. They just “Trust” that the effort they put in will come to bear the desired results. Sometimes they do, sometimes the don’t and when the latter happens , unfortunately that’s when you have to go through the unpleasant process all over again… until you get what you want.

Growth means discomfort. That has dawned on me these past few months. It means getting out of your comfort zone.

Getting out of your comfort zone is one thing, staying outside it is another thing entirely.

To be honest the level of discomfort I have been in for a few months now is the highest I have ever felt. Spending most of my time dealing head on with frustration, self-doubt and fear has been the most uncomfortable and unpleasant situation I’ve had to deal with in my career. It so happens that when one part of your life is growing, the rest will almost automatically. Thing is , it doesn’t always feel like growth but like everything you know is almost becoming chaotic. When going through the process, it never feels like there’s light at the end of the tunnel. To me it’s felt like I am walking blindly through a narrow tunnel with thorns on the floor and the walls.

I applied to Microsoft last year around October and got through the all the interview stages up to the last. That alone was a sign that my process was leading me towards the right direction. I did my last interviews in February and got the response in a day. I was hopeful obviously. I had spent hours practicing, slept extremely late, woke up early, made sure I knew all I had to know all while having a 9 to 5 job and school work. It had even gotten to a point where I was hoping the interview would just come and go so that I would have a load taken off. The strain had started showing itself in other parts of my life unfortunately for my friends and family. I went through the “process” and it had gotten me this far. Despite being drained mentally and emotionally, I didn’t stop ,so there was no way I was not going to get the job. I did everything there is in the book. Well, I did not get in. The response was not what I was hoping for and that was a huge blow considering all I had put into it. My skills had significantly improved and I was convinced they were good enough to get me into Microsoft.

At that point I had two options.

Option one, hate the thought behind the idea “Trust the process” throw away almost 3 months of consistent hard work and crawl back into the zone I had put in a lot of time and effort to get out of because why not? I mean I was only doing all that to get into Microsoft, and now that I hadn’t I might as well go back into my comfort zone. After all, it was quite pleasant there.

Option two,  realise that despite not getting to my goal at that time, I had improved my computer science fundamental skills significantly in a short period of time which was no easy feat. Take that as a win and keep treading the waters outside my comfort zone and see where that would lead me. In other words stick to “Trusting the process”. Which by the way I still hated. Option two meant repeating what I had gone through for months, and this time it would be indefinitely. I still wanted the engineering position at Microsoft badly as ever. However, I wasn’t sure when or whether I was going to get another interview let alone how long it would take to get to the last stage. It had taken me almost 4 months the first time, who knows how long the second time would take or if there would have to be a third , a fourth ….

“You’ve gotten this far on your first try, keep trying” or “No one gets in on their first try” or “You’ve really improved your problem solving skills so that’s the bright side ”  and my personal favourite “You’ve just failed an interview, not lost a limb, just move on and apply again”. After hearing that over and over, I managed to get out of the funk I was intentionally staying in and went for option two. It seemed like the responsible thing to do and I think the people around me got tired of seeing me wallow in self pity.

I’ve had job rejections before but none of them hit me as hard as this one did and I think that was probably because “the process”  intended to teach me a lesson. I don’t know whether I have learnt it yet, but I do know that I have become a very different person.

“Nothing worth having comes easy”

Sticking to the second option is as unpleasant as it was before, that has not changed. The only difference is that now I handle it differently. I am learning to embrace what it means to become a good software engineer and accept that it does not come easy.  Some days are harder than others, some days I’m indifferent, some days I’m passionate while others I’m not. But the consistent thing in all those days is that I keep practicing, keep challenging myself to get to the level I’m aiming for.

In my wallowing I had failed to realise that even though I didn’t do well enough to get in on my first try, I still did do well. Well enough to even be referred to a different team within the company. The first interview would be a week after I received the email. If anything I was hoping that I would have a bit more time to prepare but I only had a week. However, since I had made the decision to keep practicing even earlier on technically I didn’t just have a week. I had had a lot more than that.

Sticking to the process wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Albeit getting the second chance sooner than I had anticipated, which I was very grateful for, a big part of me just wanted to do it to get it over with. It was nice living without the pressure of an interview looming over my head everyday. With that thought, I was almost indifferent to whatever the results would be. I think that was a way my mind was protecting itself from disappointment a second time. I did do my best though. What I did was good enough to get me to the next and final interview stage. I think I was ready for a rejection more than I was ready for acceptance.

That was good news definitely. But it meant I had to keep preparing. For only a week. The pressure was definitely still on. All the practicing I had done and kept doing over the months did pay off. Not only had I gotten much better at problem solving and translating my thought process into efficient code, I finally got that email of acceptance a few days after doing the last interviews.

Trusting the process isn’t over yet because now I have to keep learning only this time it’s around advanced software engineers. This adds pressure to the process because I wouldn’t want to disappoint my colleagues and myself.

No one is ever expected to know everything. What we’re expected to do is have the resilience to keep being better. That means being open to learning. Getting yourself from one point to the next. Leaving your comfort zone. I am definitely excited to start this next phase in my career, learn from my colleagues and seniors and explore my potential.  It’s just gone up a higher level but so have I. I’m sure I will still have moments of self-doubt, frustration and fear. The difficult part is not over.

I’ve come to be proud of myself for getting through “The process”. For staying consistent and resilient especially, whether I got the job or not. Growth is unpleasant, I have known that from experience, but the result is worth all the unpleasantness. I have to keep reminding myself that more often than not because it gets difficult to see the bigger picture when the unpleasantness is at its peak.